Ask the Right Questions

I love that there’s no “one size fits all” answer with God. I don’t believe we are instructed to turn the other cheek for everyone nor are we to call everyone a “white washed tomb” as Jesus did to the Pharisees. When I run to God and ask how to love well, sometimes He tells me to say or do something immediately. Other times I’m instructed to just listen and validate feelings. In some circumstances, God tells me it’s best for us both if I love people from a distance in a prayerful way. A Relational approach to life involves learning how to receive clarity from God about how we best support other people’s learning curve. Many times this looks like stepping back and allowing our loved ones to experience hurt and pain as a result of their own immature decisions and rigid beliefs so they will seek God.

Jesus’ interaction with the rich young ruler in Luke 18 is a good example of this principle. This ruler had worked hard to follow all the commandments since he was a young boy. The account leads us to believe he was serious about his relationship with God. He had put time, effort, and energy into following the guidelines set out by the religious establishment. But even after being a model pupil, this ruler recognized the religious system could not assure him of God’s acceptance.

The ruler heard about a new teacher named Jesus and sought him out to ask him the burning question of how to achieve eternal life. I find Jesus’ response fascinating. The first thing he did was to challenge the ruler on the issue of Jesus’ credentials. When people are not ready to hear God’s answer to their question, they go shopping. Hearing something they don’t like from one source, people often rationalize and discount the source, then go searching for another opinion. I wonder how many “good teachers” this ruler had approached with this question. Jesus immediately established the fact that only God alone is the “good teacher” and if we ask God a question, we need to be open to hearing and receiving His truthful answers.

Jesus led the ruler to the heart of the matter by exposing his flawed life strategy. The ruler had been taught to keep every single commandment, assuring him he would receive God’s approval. Jesus points out that knowing information and blindly following rules never results in knowing God or others intimately. God’s strategy for our life is based on inner heart attitude rather than outward obedience. Jesus told the ruler to sell everything he had, give it to the poor, then leave home and come travel with him as a disciple. Luke 18:23 says the ruler sadly turned away. Unlike following a straight-forward set of commandments, Jesus’ words necessitates wrestling with heartfelt sacrifice as well as external cost.

Humankind has developed a hierarchy that relies on wealth, rules, status, etc. to bestow worth and value. God tells us,

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. (I Samuel 16:7 NIV)

We set up rules and systems that make it possible for people to build their own Tower of Babel and reach up to God. But we are fooling ourselves because God always talks about heart attitude, intent, motivation, and character -- and those things can never be achieved by simply obeying commandments.

The rich young ruler was saddened that the cost of being with God meant bankrupting himself financially in the present life. The life strategy he was taught caused him to ask Jesus the wrong question. Rather than seeking to know what hoops he needed to jump through to get the prize, he should have been asking how to draw closer to God’s heart. Viewing the world from God’s heart changes our perspective on everything.

I want to believe this ruler eventually sold all he had and went to follow Jesus. I hope this encounter with Jesus caused the ruler to come to the Apostle Peter’s belief that only Jesus has the words of life. Transformation of our humanistic life strategy brings us into the presence of the Almighty God, a gift that trumps all earthly treasures. But maybe all he could see was what he would give up and he learned how to shut off his disappointment so he could continue living by the rules.

I do acknowledge the rich young ruler was apparently living a very good lifestyle, making it easier to focus on the positive. That’s not the case for most of the people coming into my office. They tell me stories of hurt and heartache that has or is presently happening to them or to people they love. Everyone on this planet hopes for a quick solution that will stop pain and head them toward happiness. No matter which position you are in, the Bible is clear that the price of healing is truthfully seeking out all the self-protective ways that separate us from the love of God.

John 8:32 promises that God’s truth will set us free when we commit to a lifestyle of asking hard questions and sitting in painful feelings. Truth is not a scientific conclusion arrived at by examination of data. It cannot be separated from the person of God.

Excerpt: From the Other Side of the Couch by Judy Lair, LPCC

Do You “know” Jesus or KNOW Jesus?

Last week I flew from Columbus, Ohio to Los Angeles, California to attend a conference. The first day I embarked on a thrilling walking tour through Sony Pictures/Columbia Pictures/MGM Studios. I hardly dared breathe on the stage where Judy Garland began her journey on the yellow brick road in Munchkin Land. Standing in the Barbara Streisand Sound Studio, I desperately wanted to break into “Funny Girl” or “The Way We Were,” but I didn’t want to get kicked off the tour! I visited the Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy studios and saw the New York brownstone neighborhood backdrop where they filmed The Smurfs. I think my favorite part was posing next to the Ghostbuster mobile! Everyone on the tour had their head on a swivel searching for celebrities, but no go.

I bravely took a public bus north on Santa Monica Boulevard to West Hollywood. Sitting at a stoplight, I looked to my left. There were four police officers with their guns drawn approaching a bank across the street which had apparently just been robbed! A helicopter flew overhead and several police cruisers arrived just as the light turned green and we pulled through the intersection. “Welcome to LA,” chirped the bus driver. How bizarre!

After snapping a photo of Adam Sandler’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for my son Ben, I made my way to Bronson Studios on Sunset Boulevard. The next several hours passed quickly as I laughed and cheered during the taping of Celebrity Name Game hosted by Craig Ferguson. A comedian named Frank got the audience revved up, telling jokes and asking us questions. He seemed really familiar and I felt like he was a rediscovered long lost relative. A married couple sitting in front of me shared they’d sat through six tapings the previous day and planned to attend all the shows the next day. Frank bantered with them like they were college buddies. Leaving the studio my sense of direction failed me. Believing I was taking a shortcut to the bus stop, I stubbornly kept walking and walking and walking, expecting to intersect Santa Monica Boulevard. As night fell in West Hollywood, a kind gentleman pointed out I was on a parallel street and needed to head west instead of south. Believe me, my anxiety was almost at panic level by that point!

The next day I again ventured out, getting off the bus in Beverly Hills to visit the CBS Studios. I enjoyed wondering around the Beverly Hills Farmers’ Market. Eating brunch in the outdoor café gave me the freedom to drink in my surroundings. People watching in LA is amazing! Suntanned moms with long blonde hair, stylish gay men, and lots of bohemian 20somethings caught my eye as I savored the most amazing Hollandaise sauce I’ve ever tasted. I admit to eavesdropping on all the fascinating conversations around me. Everyone was talking about who they knew, who they wanted to impress, and who they wanted to “get a meeting” with next. I got caught up in listening to one young woman’s story of literally running into a famous movie director’s car, concluding they were now “in” with each other because the director gave her his Twitter handle.

Listening to all the conversations about knowing people made me realize we often do the same thing with Jesus. Christians know a lot of information about Jesus. We know stories about him, facts about his life, have heard about him from his friends—but do we really KNOW Jesus any more than I know Frank or that woman knows the director?

Stories, testimonials, and facts are a great place to start. But how do we KNOW Jesus in an intimate, relational way? We start by putting down our protective shields and intentionally showing our vulnerabilities. Turn your face toward heaven and say, “Jesus, my name is ­­­­­_______. I know you created me and I know what the Bible says about you, but I don’t really know YOU. Can we sit here while I tell you about my loneliness, hurt, and sadness?”

In most instances, folks try to establish relationships by putting their best face forward. We’ve learned how to read the other person, reinventing ourselves based on what we believe will get us a stamp of approval. Knowing information about someone helps us to anticipate what they expect and how to get “in” with them. But Jesus doesn’t want us to study up on his likes and dislikes in the hopes of gaining his favor. Nor does he want us to just be an audience member who believes proximity establishes relationship. Jesus asks us to go all in—drop all our pretenses and invite him to see our nakedness. While that approach may send your anxiety soaring, believe you me, it’s a whole lot better than finding yourself scared and alone when night falls in your chaotic life!

How Big is Your Child's Backyard?

God’s plan is for parents to be an integral part of meeting needs, teaching skills, and facilitating their child’s journey into their own personhood. This concept is different from an Outcome-based model where parents are judged by others based on whether their child meets certain societal standards. In a Relational Model, the goal of parenting is to help our kids see themselves the way God sees them and to live out of that knowledge. When they do so, they’ll learn to make decisions and choices in daily life that lead to a happy, healthy abundant lifestyle. Helping our kids, especially, teens learn how to make wise decisions is a huge part of parenting. Young children need clear parameters as they balance self-empowerment with safe options. As they grow older, kids need to experience a bigger choice backyard while still under your roof.

I absolutely love teenagers. They are full of energy, opinions, and attitudes. It’s like they’re being energized by the world. Talking to teens is like riding a roller coaster. Teen gals want to talk about everything relating to their life in the minutest detail. Who said what; what they wore; what they felt. Absolutely everything. Talking to teen guys is like waiting for water to boil on the stove. I ask a question, they stare at me, or the wall, or the floor for a while, then give me a one word answer.

Adolescence is a time for self-exploration. “Who am I and how do I relate to the world?” When parents don’t allow mistakes and demand adherence to rules and expectations, teens can’t develop their own identity. In an Outcome-based system, the high school years are seen as preparation for entry into adulthood. Teens are required to learn how to master adult values, adult behaviors, and how to play the adult game of climbing the corporate ladder. In God’s Relational model, teens are encouraged to try all sorts of things on for size, seeing each item fits with who God made them to be. Giving teens the freedom to experiment with how they express their individuality allows them to develop a solid sense of self.

Unfortunately, most parents live out of fear. They want their child to be a happy, healthy, productive member of society, have a strong faith in God, and not make the same mistakes. While those are admirable hopes and dreams, the way most parents try to make that happen is to micro-manage their child’s life, damaging the parent’s relationship with their child and wounding occurs.

When children are young, parents have almost complete control and strive to make perfect choices for their children. As the child grows, parents allow the child room to make their own decisions within a selection of “good” options. When a child begins to find their own individuality as a teen, parents need to allow room for “bad” choices. Instead of lecturing, listen. Ask how they made the decision and whether they feel like the consequences are worth the choice. Kids need to "try on" choices to see if those decisions fit their understanding of who God made them to be.

As Ben’s parent, I will always step into my son’s life if he’s making catastrophic choices that will cause actual harm to himself or others. Giving him room, however, to make bad choices is one of the most difficult examples of sacrificial love. I don’t want Ben to have his feelings hurt, lose money, fail a class, etc. I can foresee a lot of things he can’t at his age. But to protect him from making mistakes prevents him from growing and maturing. I wanted him to experience the consequences of bad choices while he was still under my roof and we could process those events.

There are many accounts in the Bible where God allowed his kids to make "bad" choices, allowing them to experience their own learning curve. I think about Moses hitting the rock to obtain water when God told him to talk to it; Sarah tried to have a son in her timing her way; Peter made impetuous decisions numerous times. God's priority is not about perfect choices -- He looks at decisions as opportunities to learn about ourselves, others, and God.

How is it possible that folks who were so immature, made a lot of bad choices, did not trust God, caused pain and suffering to themselves and others can be held in such high esteem? Because God knew their potential and allowed them to grow and mature into their personhood through the process of making good and bad choices. 

Exerpt From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living

Relationship Models

John 13:34 gives us the commandment to love one another -- yet this is impossible to do in our own strength. Since we disconnected from the source of love when Adam & Eve left the Garden, humankind has been scrambling to figure out how to love well based on our own understanding. This is where viewpoint is important, because the answer is found in the principles of relationship, not created through a series of behaviors or found in a roller coaster of feelings. Most folks don’t realize they are living out the same unhealthy model in all their relationships, which explains why things don’t work out over and over again. In my office, I draw three different models of relationships and ask clients which one they saw growing up and which one they currently living out. I categorize relationship models into three main areas: Narcissistic, Negotiation, and Relational.

Narcissistic Model

One person lives within the comfort zone of the other

Narcissistic relationships center on the comfort zone of one person.  The Narcissistic relationship looks like the old All In The Family sitcom. Archie Bunker sat in his chair in the living room and made himself the center of the household. He lived completely in his comfort zone, demanding everyone come to him. His wife, Edith, catered to his wishes and when she hesitantly asked Archie to meet one of her needs, he became a bully, intimidating her to the point where she apologized for bringing it up. The dominant person learns what words and actions will get them what they want. Sometimes that’s getting someone to back off and stop asking them for something. Other times, the dominate person wants something and figures out how to badger, intimidate or manipulate others to get it. The dominant person can manifest as 1) a mean bully, 2) someone who chooses isolation, or 3) a victim/emotional black hole. For every narcissist, you will often find a “loving” co-dependent partner, one who doesn’t know the difference between being loved as a person and used as a resource. The only role for the co-dependent in this model is to give up their own personhood and live completely within the dominant person’s circle. I define personhood as permission to own one’s thoughts, emotions, opinions, and actions. When personhood is denied or locked away, we live a submissive, robotic existence. Our personhood encapsulates the most interesting and unique qualities God created in us. 

Negotiation Model

Individuals interact with each other but always stay separate entities

The Negotiation relationship model focuses on business-type transactional exchanges to meet needs.  Bargaining is the currency of this relationship in “do this for me and I’ll let you do that for you” type interactions. It’s a step up from the Narcissistic model because the two people are able to move out of their comfort zones towards the other. However, the level of willingness to sacrifice is usually measured by what someone gets. People often settle for this model when the person they care about cannot or chooses not to work towards living out the Relational model. The cost of this strategy is learning how to push down the longing for more. 

Relational Model

Each person pursues the other in the areas where their lives do not directly overlap

The Relational approach is based on interdependence on God and each other and has a “one another” focus. We move toward each other, enjoying the direct overlap of our lives, and proactively pursuing each other in the indirect areas. When our partner can’t directly experience an area of life with us or meet a need, they can move towards us by listening, encouraging, inspiring, and comforting. Allowing God to heal our own baggage and mature us individually has a direct impact on our relationships and our capability to support the other person’s growth. “One anotherness” is about heart attitude; each person intentionally turning their heart toward the other.  My son Ben has had a fascination with sports cards and memorabilia since he was little. I’d buy him a pack of cards and we would look at the players together, talking about who we each liked and for what reason. My criteria involved a big smile or pretty blue eyes while Ben appreciated all the stats and records. I didn’t have a clue as to why one brand of cards had a higher monetary value than another or why one particular player’s card was a rare find. What I did know was that Ben loved sharing his knowledge and passion for cards with me. Moving toward him in this area allowed the light of his joy and excitement to brighten my day.

We are meant to live life in the presence of one another. That can look many ways, but it’s determined by the intent of our heart to be known intimately. As a human being, Jesus surrounded himself with people who lived with him every day. He could have done it differently, kept himself separate and apart from people until it was time for his sacrifice on the cross. But he didn’t. Instead, Jesus chose to walk alongside humankind, giving everyone the opportunity to interact and experience him personally. When we can feel out someone’s heart and character, it allows us to forge a relational bond. I believe everyone who had an encounter with Jesus came away knowing he saw straight through to their heart.

Excerpt From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living by Judy Lair, LPCC