It’s Not About Dumb or Stupid, It’s About Safe and Unsafe

How often do you beat yourself up? Tell yourself that you must be dumb, stupid, an idiot, etc.? How worried are you that someone else thinks all those same negative things about you and your actions? Join the club!

I moved into a new apartment complex a few months ago. My relationship with the management staff was tested from the very first day. Every question I’ve asked and every maintenance request I’ve made has resulted in me feeling ignorant and stupid.

After moving and unpacking all day, what I wanted most was a shower and my bed. I finally unearthed my shower curtain and as I was hanging it, the entire rod pulled off the wall! Maintenance request #1. The next morning I spent time setting up my bedroom, moving lamps around to get the best lighting. There are three light switches next to the door. Scout’s honor, I tried every combination of every light switch/wall outlet and could not find a way to turn on a lamp via a light switch. I emailed staff who told me to try again and if I couldn’t figure it out, they would send maintenance once again. When I got home that evening, maintenance had left step by step instructions explaining exactly what to do. I felt like a kindergartner. Uggg! How stupid am I for not figuring it out myself!

Trash in this complex is taken to a compactor where I need to put in a specific code to open the door. I tried several times and the door would never open. I emailed the office and received a very condescending reply, telling me to call next time I was at the compactor and someone would come and show me how to do it properly. Grrrrrr! So fine, the next time I took out the trash I called the woman to come “help me.” She smugly showed me how to enter the code, pulled on the door, and it opened easily. Undeterred,  I asked if I could try. She closed the door and I repeated the steps – but the door would not budge. She pulled on it and it wouldn’t open for her either. Saying the last person must have messed it up, she showed me how to give the door a body slam to fix it. Although I felt justified, her attitude left no doubt she thought I was lame.

The most recent debacle happened a few days ago when I emailed the office about seeing some small, black bugs on the wall and ceiling. I thought they were coming in because it’s starting to get cold outside. Management sent a pest control inspector who immediately identified them as flour beetles and began searching my kitchen cabinets. Now I’m exactly 5’ tall and even when I stand on a step stool, I’m not eye level with the second cabinet shelf and can barely reach the third shelf on my tip toes. The inspector opened a bag of flour I had on the top shelf. Gross! It was full of those beetles! I was immediately overwhelmed with embarrassment and shame. How stupid can I be??? He’s going to send a report to management and they will now be convinced I am the biggest idiot in the apartment complex!

When I feel dumb, my immediate coping mechanism is to call myself names, apparently believing this will remind me to be smarter next time. But we all know that doesn’t work! What I need to do is move from isolating self-condemnation to feeling cared for and loved. This takes place when we recognize it’s not a matter of being smart/stupid or right/wrong. It’s about feeling unsafe and unprotected.

King David is the best example of this principle. If anyone had reason to beat themselves up all the live long day, it was David. But I never get that vibe when I read his journal. Psalms is full of David confessing his foolishness without the name calling. Instead, he acknowledges his stuff and thanks God for protecting and caring for him even in the midst of it.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord; “O Lord, save me!” The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:1-6

I grew up feeling emotionally unprotected and unsafe. I can remember events ranging from elementary school to this week where I’ve felt stupid and trace it back to feeling unprotected. My coping mechanism was to become mature, dependable, and responsible as quickly as possible – hoping that by acting like an adult, I'd finally feel safe. But here I am at age 54, still triggered by condescending property agents who terrify me because I feel unprotected when I don't know something.

David acknowledged his immaturities and weaknesses without shame because he knew he was supposed to be imperfect. The job of a child is to experience life, letting their parents decide what is and isn’t safe. When I took my son Ben to the playground, I expected he would try to climb too high on the monkey bars or want to swing high enough to touch the clouds. It wasn’t his job to understand physics and determine safe/unsafe play, it was mine as his parent. Same thing when he went to his first school dance. He knew I’d share a couple suggestions that could help him avoid embarrassment, whether he wanted them or not:) I love watching Ben’s approach to the world; secure and confident.

I’ve learned that each time I start down the “I’m stupid” path, I reinforce my helplessness. Instead, I can choose to run to my heavenly father, tell him I feel scared and unsafe and ask for his protection over my heart. Calling on the name of the Lord allows me to grieve what I did not receive in the past and anchor to his trustworthiness in the present. 

I've been processing this event all weekend so when I open up the, “You’re stupid” letter from the office this week, I'll be able to deal with it functionally and move on rather than taking an emotional hit to my personhood. What do you do/believe when you feel stupid and helpless?

Photo located at flickr.com

Hope Trumps Fear

Just as darkness must give way to light, fear must give way when we choose to allow hope into our heart.

Fear of disappointment is the enemy of hope. How many times have you wanted to be excited about a potential new job or the outcome of a relationship, but didn’t want to set yourself up for disappointment? A great example of this belief is found in the story of the prodigal son.

The prodigal son decided to leave his father’s household and venture out into the world so he could make his own decisions about his own life. The folks he surrounded himself with all left when his funds ran out. Then a famine came and the son ended up in terrible circumstances. He eventually decided to go back home and beg his father for mercy, hoping he'd be allowed to become one of the servants. Not wanting to be disappointed, the prodigal son had absolutely no hope in forgiveness and grace. Fear lied to the son about the father’s heart.

In truth, the father was waiting and watching for his son to come home. Rather than being angry and holding a grudge, the father felt loving compassion and ran to his son, kissing and hugging him. Yes, there were barriers they needed to address, but the father wanted his son to hope into a full restoration of the relationship rather than settling for something less. Opening up to receive his father’s genuine loving embrace changed the son’s heart. It gave him the courage to see and confess his own brokenness as well as hope into personal and relational change.

Living the abundant life encompasses cultivating an excitement and passion to see and connect with God in our everyday life. Fear of disappointment limits our ability to receive all that God wants to bring into our life. It’s impossible to be passionate without hope. Unfortunately, mankind has learned how to beat hope down to a manageable size. We analyze the practicality of our dreams based on reasonableness and risk. Such a life strategy is based on managing fear rather than anchoring to the author of hope.

In 2 Timothy 1:7 we’re told not to live a life out of timidity and fear. Hoping into God’s heart gives us the strength and courage to triumph over fear. Ask God to deposit His hope into your heart. It will change your view about everything.

• Hope that God really does love you all the time, no matter how you feel about yourself and your actions.
• Hope that your heart can be transformed and your life changed.
• Hope that you can trust in God and others rather than self-protect out of fear.
• Hope that God has a wonderful, amazing plan for your life!

Author From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living

Photo courtesy of medicboyz.blogspot.com

Plato's Cave: Living in Darkness

Philosopher Plato wrote the Allegory of the Cave showing how fear keeps us chained and in darkness. Watching this excellent video story reminded me that centuries later, many of us are still living a fear-based life.

Plato’s story shows a man who courageously wanted to live in the real world rather than feel safe in the cave watching shadows. He bravely risked looking at what safety cost him vs. the benefit of living in freedom. The man returned to the cave and shared his testimony, urging other folks to choose truth, but no one else wanted to leave the security of the cave and face their fears.

I’ve been in the cave. I’ve made many choices in my life based on what would cause me the least amount of fear—and the consequences have been devastating. 

Choosing fear robbed me of all the good things God wanted to bring into my life. 

• Seeing who God created me to be
• Believing in God’s love for me no matter my immaturities
• Allowing God to empower me to conquer the Goliaths in my life
• Trusting fully and completely in God’s heart even when I don’t understand why he allows hurt and pain

So how do we press into fear so we can live in the light of God’s love for us? Do the very thing we fear most: intentionally choose to become vulnerable and transparent.

Woundedness causes us to shut down, transformation requires vulnerability and openness. No one is more vulnerable than a child. Choosing to be vulnerable feels unsafe and counter-intuitive to most adults because of the hurt they’ve experienced. That’s why we choose to live in a cave. It may not be the most joyful life, but at least we avoid people and situations that bring us fear.

Jesus’ relationships with his heavenly father, earthly family, disciples, and friends were characterized by openness and a willingness for his heart to be seen. Vulnerability and transparency with safe, caring people are essential for wounds to be healed and our life to be transformed. We have the choice to intentionally narrow our world down to keep fear at bay. This causes a very rigid, black and white worldview. Prioritizing security over relationship significantly impacts our ability to love well. 

But God wants us to take the risk to learn how to face fear with His strength and courage. No longer blackmailed by choking anxiety and fear, we can walk with the Shepherd who will lead us through the valley to the banqueting table beyond. In my book, From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Guide to Relational Living, I share a Roadmap to Freedom explaining how to move from fear to freedom.

I know it’s not as simple as deciding today to be vulnerable and immediately feeling safe with God and others. There will be a gap between making this decision by our will and learning how to receive healing in the areas that caused us to stay in the cave. Continue to ask God to strengthen you and persevere during the gap.

And we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

Is God calling you out of the cave today?

Photo from Office.com photos

Sitting in Sadness

Recently one of my clients took the risk to lovingly confront me about a situation where I incorrectly took credit for an idea she had generated. She'd been hurt in this same way by others in her past. I was so proud she stepped out in faith to say something to me. She was absolutely correct and I truthfully admitted it. It wasn't done intentionally, but in my hurry to get something done I didn't review it to see I described the situation inaccurately. The client was gracious in accepting my apology and I'm very grateful she offered me understanding and grace.

Seeing and acknowledging mistakes used to fill me with a great deal of fear, sending me into a self-condemnation cycle. I'd berate myself not only for the present error, but for all the dumb stuff I'd ever done throughout my life. My inner Guardian became a military sergeant, telling me to shape up, scrutinizing and analyzing every detail of life for the next week as punishment. 

I came to realize that I used this destructive cycle to keep me from feeling sad and disappointed in seeing my imperfections. It's scary and frustrating to see immaturities. Instead of bringing God into those feelings, I just wanted to quickly fix it all myself. Many times I came up with a good plan to make sure I never made that same error again. But in doing so I completely missed the bigger lesson God wanted me to learn--that character is not determined by making mistakes. It's shown in how we bravely risk to be vulnerable with God and others when those weaknesses are brought to our attention.

My initial concern was to take responsibility for my failure and make sure the client felt safe to continue the discussion. Driving home, I allowed all the other complicated feelings to surround me. I felt grateful she felt safe to bring the subject up, sad I'd hurt her leading her to question my trustworthiness, embarrassed because she was correct, and frustrated I could've made a different choice and didn't. My inner Guardian worried this lapse in judgment meant something negative about my character. It felt like she was shaking her finger and scolding me, saying something about me getting too big for my britches these days!

It was really uncomfortable meditating on my actions that evening, but I wanted healing more than I needed to side step hard emotions. I've learned how to sit in these difficult feelings and condemning thoughts without needing to defend myself or employ an avoidance strategy. It's not easy and still takes intentionality to implement. But that's where I find God--in the midst of doubts about myself. He reminds me what's true. My responsibility is just to sit still and be sorrowful in the arms of He who loves me dearly.

Author From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living

Graphic from Office.com clip art

Information & Energy

Feelings give us two important things necessary for transformation: Information and Energy. Emotional information is critical in being able to live a relational lifestyle. Empathy, compassion, and sacrificial love are all fueled by our ability to be emotionally vulnerable. When we’re standing on the emotional river bank watching other people struggle with waves of feeling, our heart is not engaged. We shout out directions or vent our frustration with their process, but they cannot receive from us.

If we’re sitting in the other person’s boat, we become overwhelmed with their feelings and codependently take on their burdens. A healthy lifestyle is where we navigate our own boat through the river of life with God as our Captain, allowing others to pull alongside us with encouragement, and empathetically supporting others ourselves.

When feelings are shut off or dismissed, we miss out on valuable information God uses to reveal personhood. We’re not created as “one size fits all” people. Just as God created multiple varieties of birds, animals, and plants, He created each of us as unique and special. Wanting to feel special is one of the core longings God instilled in our soul. When this message isn’t communicated from our parents, we shut down our feelings and often go into victim-mode. Owning our feelings allows God to show us how we respond to the world in our own, unique way. Knowing what shuts me down emotionally allows me to protect myself in a healthy way from harmful people and situations.

Clients ask me how to clearly hear from God, wanting to know how to discern God’s plan for their life. There’s no way to establish walkie talkie communication with God without being an excellent student of our emotions. Feelings allow God to communicate through the Holy Spirit to our soul. I spend a lot of time with God discussing how I experience people. Every time I talk with a new client, I’m trying to open myself up to how I feel in their presence, what they say, what they talk about, and what God shows me about their heart attitude. I ask the Holy Spirit to sort through all my thoughts and feelings and give me insight into the client’s character and discernment about whether we will be a good fit for each other. I get a red light/green light sense in my gut that I’ve learned is God speaking to me.

Learning to correctly interpret our emotions is a trial and error process. Most of us are much more comfortable living in fear, relying on black and white facts to make sure we are “right.” Giving up the illusion of certainty is brutal. It feels like God is asking us to jump off a cliff without knowing how far we will fall.

Trust in the transformation process gives you courage. Most of us desperately cling to certainty for safety, but living free is about risk. I began stepping out in small ways to find out if I could trust my gut. When I got a red light feeling about a person, I asked more questions and watched their life for a while. It really did became clear what God was communicating to me. I became bolder, asking people if they had certain thoughts or felt a particular way, and usually they agreed with my discernment. When I missed the mark, I learned it wasn’t a fatal, catastrophic failure but a learning experience.

Emotions also give us energy to overcome fear. In some households, anger was used to overpower, intimidate, and harm. But emotions can be used positively to push through fear barriers. I’ve read amazing accounts where adrenaline provided people the physical strength and courage to act in a crisis. King David was the only one able to harness his outrage and use it to step out on the battlefield and challenge Goliath.

When I need to have a difficult conversation, I first squeeze out all the worry and fear. Venting all my knee-jerk self-protective defenses allows me to anchor to what God has shown me is true. John 8:32 says that God’s truth will set us free. I now know what freedom feels like, so I can use that knowledge to give me the needed boost to enter into that scary conversation with courage and confidence.

Excerpt From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living

Graphic used by permission from Creative Commons (Office.com)

Feel Better or Be Better?

Jesus used parables as a way to illustrate the differences between godly principles and immature human behaviors. The prodigal son, like Adam and Eve, decided he wanted to make his own choices about his life and have control over his own destiny. He brazenly asked his father for the inheritance he would receive when his father died. I wonder what the prodigal son missed in the relationships at home that he needed to go out into the world looking for something else. Did he feel put down by his older brother or ignored by his father? Most likely he had unprocessed disappointments that kept him from receiving all that his father provided for him. Otherwise, he never would have needed to try and fill such an emotional void with unhealthy people and activities.

The prodigal son focused solely on what he was missing, causing him to leave the people who loved him dearly. He gravitated towards those who only cared about using him for his money. When we’re unable to move towards people because of deep hurt, it leaves us vulnerable to those who prey on lost souls.

When the son had spent all he had, a famine came, putting him in a horrible situation. The “friends” he had surrounded himself with were gone. Selfishness shows its true colors when we no longer have anything of value to offer. These users either punish us for what we no longer bring to them or disappear, leaving us alone to our fate.

The prodigal son was now in desperate need and anxiously realized he had messed up big time. When we get that “oh no” feeling, most of us jump from the frying pan into the fire -- and the prodigal son did just that. He found a job feeding pigs, but his employer was as much a user as his friends. Hard hearted and unsympathetic, the employer would not even allow the prodigal son to eat the same pods he fed the pigs.

Luke 15:17 NIV says, “When he came to his senses….” How many of us have been in that same place! Sometimes it takes a long period of time under significant duress before we reach out. When we take our focus off ourselves and put it onto God, we can be overwhelmed by the huge hole we’ve dug for ourselves. It’s human nature to panic and want to be rescued. That’s why it’s so difficult to choose long term transformation over immediate relief. I often tell my clients my prayer is they choose to BE better rather than FEEL better. Had the prodigal son been rescued at that moment, he probably would’ve landed right back in similar circumstances a short time later. Transformation requires insight, confession, grieving, and vision -- all of which take time and work.

When the prodigal son finally pulled his head out of the sand and looked at his perilous situation, he jumped right into problem solving mode. Remembering how his father treated his servants well, the son decided he would ask his father for a job. The account doesn’t ever say the prodigal son had a change of heart at this point. Instead of searching his heart and character to see what he was lacking, the son focused on coming up with a good enough sounding speech that would convince his father to give him a job. It doesn’t record any soul searching by the son about how much his father showed love to him by giving him his inheritance early. There’s no account of this son grieving the sorrow he caused his father by his words and actions. It appears the prodigal son only focused on getting his own needs met. And that’s the problem with a non-relational approach to life, it’s selfish, unloving, and unfulfilling.

When we allow God to change our paradigm, it causes us to look at ourselves and our life in a completely different light. Most folks are overwhelmed with feelings of failure for not having seen the truth earlier. Our learned response to failure is self-condemnation. Feeling stupid, embarrassed, and disappointed causes us to push away from God and others. That’s because we’ve adopted the human Outcome-based view of learning rather than God’s Relational approach. When we view life as a process, we have an expectation that God will continually reveal things to us over time. God works with each one of us in our own individual timeframe. He doesn’t set one-size-fits-all standards.

I see some of this language in the prodigal son’s speech when he tells his father he’s no longer worthy to be his son. That statement is all about how the son negatively sees himself and has nothing to do with the son seeing what is true about the father. In a relational exchange, the son would share how his own issues blind him from seeing his father clearly and how grieved he is to now see the truth. King David shows us the healthy response to conviction is to take our feelings to God and ask him to change our heart. David’s approach to God is not one of martyrdom or abasing himself, but just agreeing with God about his immaturities.

Other unhealthy responses include negative comparisons, rationalizations, minimizing, and blame shifting. In an outcome-based society, showing weakness brings ridicule and hurt. Mankind has learned how to employ self-protective responses to shield themselves from non-relational consequences. A significant hurdle in the transformation process is our fear that God will reject us when we show immaturities. I continually pray for courage and strength for myself and my clients to seek God when we see our weaknesses. Choosing faith in God’s heart for us over and over empowers us to hurdle these barriers.

Fear of disappointment is the enemy of hope. How many times have you wanted to be excited about a potential new job or the outcome of a relationship, but didn’t want to set yourself up for disappointment? One way we put a lid on hope is believing we shouldn’t burden others. Mistakenly, we believe keeping our needs to a minimum and not imposing too much on others will keep us from being disappointed. We see an example of this belief when the prodigal son chose to only ask his father to become a servant rather than returning to sonship. He had a completely mistaken view of himself and his father.

His father had been waiting and watching for his son to come home. Rather than being angry and holding a grudge, the father felt loving compassion and ran to his son, kissing and hugging him. Yes, there were barriers they needed to address, but the father wanted his son to hope into a full restoration of the relationship rather than settling for something less.

I believe it was at that moment that the son was able to clearly see the truth about his father’s heart. David often speaks in the Psalms about how loving kindness brings us to repentance. True repentance only happens when our heart connects with the heart of God. As the son begins to recite his prepared speech, I believe he now speaks from a different place. Opening up to receive his father’s genuine loving welcome changed the son’s heart. It gave him the courage to see and confess his own brokenness, but also hope into change.

I can’t give you a list of “5 Easy Steps to Transformation” nor can I tell you exactly what it looks like when transformation takes place. What I can say is there’s a shift in your soul when you move from a place of needing self-protective, condemning life strategies that lock you into fear. You will feel the difference in living a life strategy that embraces the freedom to be vulnerable and passionate.

Transformation is not a one-time event, but a progressive revelation that will continue to unfold throughout our lifetime. Do you want to FEEL better or BE better?

Excerpt From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living

Are You Choosing to Live in the Matrix?

One of the most detrimental counterfeits to relational living is the Outcome-based model. It promises a direct correlation between working hard and reaching goals. If I work 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, the outcome-based formula tells me I will receive all the benefits of the “American Dream.” On its surface, striving to reach goals and benchmarks appears to be helpful and motivating. That’s why this model is enticing. It’s much more convenient to independently meet our own needs without relying on God! The “health and wealth” theology uses this same formulaic approach. If I pray and believe hard enough that God wants me to be blessed in specific ways, then God has no choice but to make it happen.

In the Relational model, each person invests in helping one another grow and prosper in loving God, themselves, and others. The Outcome-based model preys on the fear that our legitimate needs will not be met and offers a counterfeit solution to a manufactured problem. Just look at how products are marketed. Instead of focusing on the qualities of a product and letting the consumer decide what they need, commercials appeal to our emotional vulnerabilities. We’re told there’s a direct correlation between wanting to be loved, accepted, admired, etc. and a particular product. 

God’s leadership style is repeated throughout the Davidic Psalms: “His love endures forever.” Leadership without sacrificial love eventually becomes self-centered and punitive. The Bible shows how exasperating and difficult it was for God to lead households and nations of stiff-necked, stubborn, immature people. Trying to lead when you’re immature in loving relationally is exhausting and potentially tempting.

Humankind decided to create a shortcut and instituted their own leadership model. Most outcome-based leaders tell us what goals are godly and institute a set of rules and standards designed to reach those self-determined one-size-fits-all goals. In this model, there’s always a set of negative consequences for broken rules or unmet goals.

God gave us the Ten Commandments to show humankind the futility of using rules to replace relationship. What God wants most is for us to draw near to Him so He can draw near to us. Jesus cried over Jerusalem like a mother hen cries over her missing baby chicks. Our worth and value can only be understood through our soul connecting with our creator. When human leadership creates a general set of standards, it leads us away from God’s heart and we lose our personhood.

Outcome-based systems connect value and worth directly to achievements. In many homes, schools, churches, small groups, etc., you must follow the rules or meet specified goals in order to receive approval and be recognized as valuable, competent, or good. Not living up to those expectations means letting people down, an unthinkable sin. I’m not taking issue with setting up systems to encourage people to grow individually and contribute to the community. The Bible talks a lot about having a vision and pressing onward to run the race well. But when humankind use their own standards to judge worth and value, we are putting ourselves in the place of God.

There can be an internal and external tug-of-war when we’re conditioned from childhood to connect our character, worth, and value to pleasing someone or meeting goals set by someone else. If an authority figure we respect uses guilt and shame to ensure compliance, we get a warped view of what God expects from us. When Adam and Eve chose independence over relationship with God, humankind learned how to deeply hurt each other. Rather than focusing on ways to support, encourage, and care, people became objects to use and manipulate for personal gain.

One of my favorite movies is The Matrix because it beautifully portrays this tug-of-war. Its basic premise is that the world known by most humans is actually a simulation created by living machines to manipulate and control humanity for their own benefit. Computer hacker Neo begins to find and question computer anomalies and he’s recruited by a band of truth-seekers. The most important scene in the movie is when Morpheus tells Neo he has the choice to open his eyes to the simulation. Morpheus warns Neo if he chooses to see the truth, he cannot go back to ignorance. Such an immense decision reveals Neo’s character. Does he want to shut his eyes to seeing the world in bondage and continue to do what is best for him or is he motivated by truth, even if it means personal hardship and fighting against oppression?

Neo chooses to take the truthful red pill and when he wakes up, he finds himself attached to an electrical machine by an elaborate cable system. This is what reality looked like for those humans who were enslaved in the dream simulation. Reality was not as pretty as the dream world, but embracing it showed strength and integrity. Neo makes it his life’s work to help the Zion brotherhood bring truth to the world. The movie shows another man named Cyber who decides he’s tired of living in reality and schemes to return to the matrix so he can live a comfortable, pretend lifestyle. Like Judas, Cyber betrays the Zion brotherhood to the enemy machines for his own benefit.

The price for embracing the outcome-based system is a life of fear and despair. Life is a never-ending worry cycle that you won’t measure up. Every day you work feverishly to reach a goal set by someone else and when you do, you work even harder to stay ahead of the curve. This cycle eventually ends with you crashing in despair, wondering what makes life worthwhile. We keep insanely believing that doing the same things will bring about a different result. Instead, we need to question the beliefs on which we base our life efforts. 

At some point, every person asks the question, “Is this all there is to life?” We may ask it when we’re at the top of the mountain or in a deep pit from which we never seem to climb out of -- but we all ask it. The Outcome-based, logical strategy dangles the carrot, telling us to pull up our boots and to put in extra effort and time. It promises if we work hard, we can achieve all our dreams. Has that been true in your life? For me, all that hard work left me burned out and exhausted.

For Christians, this strategy usually means we throw ourselves into church and ministry. We desperately seek emotional highs during worship and obsessively spend our time giving to others. But even these “good” things leave us feeling exhausted, empty, incompetent, worthless, and desperate for happiness and joy. In such a place, we are vulnerable to manipulation and self-destruction. Rather than continuing to do more, why not re-evaluate your life strategy?

Living an Outcome-based lifestyle means enduring never-ending fear, self-protection, bitterness, and resentment. How do you know which system you are living in? Pray Psalm 51 and ask God to show you if any of these Outcome-based themes are present in your heart and mind on a regular basis:

o   Blaming others

o   Refusing to take responsibility for one’s own issues

o   Living in learned helplessness

o   Taking on the identity of a martyr

o   Giving up on life, living in despair and hopelessness

o   Attempting to fix others through manipulative techniques

o   Demanding obedience while denying personhood

o   Denying the role of emotions

o   Striving to be independent rather than interdependent

o   Living life as Martha instead of Mary

o   Choosing to prioritize ministry at the expense of relationships

o   Denying immaturities and defending them to others

o   Refusing to allow others to know you for fear of being hurt

o   Creating rules legislating worth, value and acceptance

Excerpt From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living

Realizing We Are Naked

Relationships on earth began the moment God breathed life into Adam. Dysfunctional relationships began the moment Adam and Eve believed the serpent’s lies about God’s character and intent.

Genesis tells us that in the beginning, God walked with Adam and Eve every day. God already knew every detail of his creation, yet chose to experience both Adam and Eve in a personal, intimate way; walking and talking with them, delighting in their enjoyment of all He had created specifically for them. That relational connection allowed them to know and believe in the righteousness of God’s character. Because of that belief, they were able to trust that God’s heart was always loving towards them. Then entered doubt.

Most likely, the serpent had been whispering to Adam and Eve for a long while. Every time they walked past the forbidden tree, the serpent probably whispered doubts about God’s motivation and questioned his trustworthiness.

Did God really want their best? Why did he deny them something that was good to their eyes and not let them make their own choice? What exactly was God’s motive in creating them and giving them such a temptation?

Every human being has these big picture questions, whether whispered deep down or shouted with a fist raised to the sky. Human beings question God’s motives. When circumstances do not line up with what we believe we deserve or what we’ve been taught God should allow, we blame God. Sometimes we tell God he’s unfair. Other times we’re so disappointed, we distance ourselves from him.

The serpent tempted Adam and Eve with the ability to take full control of their own decision-making. Why risk someone else, even God, not having my best interests at heart? I suspect each one of us would have made the same decision to have autonomy and ultimate control over our own life. I know at one time I would have made that decision.

At the moment when Adam and Eve acted upon their conclusion and chose control over relationship, their eyes were opened and the pair realized they were naked. I don’t think this passage was talking about their physical eyes. Instead, this talks about looking at themselves and each other through relational eyes. In that instant, realizing they were cut off from the source of love, all the responsibility for loving well rested solely on each individual. What an unimaginable heavy burden that realization must have been. How, in the name of all that is holy, were they supposed to know themselves, each other, and God so intimately well that they could do relationship perfectly?

I imagine panic set in pretty quickly, especially as they heard God calling for them in the Garden. This was the first relational test on their own and how did they handle it? They hid, lied about it, and then pointed fingers at each other. The ability to be humble, sacrificial, and truthful was decimated when the connection to God was severed. How utterly tragic for them and for all of humankind. The relational consequences experienced by the generations following Adam and Eve’s removal from the garden have been devastating.

Prior to banishment, the relationship between husband, wife, and God was an unending flow of care and love between and among them. Adam and Eve understood who they were and embraced their worth and value from within the relationship with God. Now separated from God, Eve would look for her worth and value from her husband. But Adam’s heart would no longer be turned toward Eve or God as his relational needs could now be met solely by the work of his hands.

Once the connection to God was gone, humankind needed to learn how to love well on our own. Important relational skills needed to be re-learned such as communicating needs, listening to each other without becoming defensive, and moving toward each other when hurt or angry. Without direct access to God’s compassion, empathy, grace, and forgiveness, Adam and Eve must have begun to distance from each other. I can draw this conclusion both from personal and general human experience, but also from looking at the account of Cain and Abel. Children learn from the relational model they see at home. It seems pretty clear that Cain did not know how to communicate and process his hurtful feelings towards his brother and God.

I wish I could have heard what Adam and Eve told their boys about God and their actions in the Garden. Did they take responsibility for their decisions or did they continue to blame each other? What we do know is that each son had a different view of God which showed up in their sacrificial presentation. Abel evidenced his reverent heart attitude by bringing the best sacrifice to God. Cain, however, seemed to be resentful from the beginning. Maybe he was angry at missing out on the positive benefits of living in the Garden. Maybe he thought God judged Adam and Eve too harshly and he was bitter, believing the lies the serpent told about God’s tainted motives.

When Adam and Eve were cut off from all the goodness of God, it negatively affected the physical world and our physical bodies as well. To me, the account of Cain is the first evidence of a person being fundamentally broken. In my definition, broken people have either lost or were born with (and never developed) the capacity to form a relational connection. They do not value the feelings of anyone other than themselves; therefore, they can treat others cruelly without feelings of remorse. Genesis fast forwards in time and shows us what happened when this brokenness spread through the land.

The Lord saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. (Genesis 6:5 NIV)

In a comparably short amount of time, humankind become so broken that the Lord was grieved and filled with pain that he had even created life (Genesis 6:6). How heartbreaking for God, whose sole purpose in creating us was to teach us to love. God decided to give humankind one more chance to choose a lifestyle of love, and he sent the flood to cleanse the earth of its brokenness.

Once the ark came to rest, God lovingly began protecting humankind from themselves by giving Noah, Moses, and Abraham guidelines and commandments designed to show us our need for God. Kind of a reverse psychology approach. By trying to live up to a set of behavioral standards we could never meet, we would hopefully recognize the futility of figuring it out on our own.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -- this I keep on doing.”  Romans 7:18-19 NIV.

We hear Paul’s frustration and confession that in and of himself, he cannot live life well. Such an admission leads him to the truth that Jesus Christ came to free us from striving to follow the law so we can live according to the Relational model. This model is based on continuously communicating with God about our self-protective barriers. It’s humbling and embarrassing when I get those light bulb moments and a blind spot is brought to my attention. My first reaction is to defend and cover up -- exactly what Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden. But these days I want to receive healing more than I need to hide so I’ve learned how to endure the initial anxiety and welcome the revelation. How about you?

Excerpt From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living
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