Information & Energy

Feelings give us two important things necessary for transformation: Information and Energy. Emotional information is critical in being able to live a relational lifestyle. Empathy, compassion, and sacrificial love are all fueled by our ability to be emotionally vulnerable. When we’re standing on the emotional river bank watching other people struggle with waves of feeling, our heart is not engaged. We shout out directions or vent our frustration with their process, but they cannot receive from us.

If we’re sitting in the other person’s boat, we become overwhelmed with their feelings and codependently take on their burdens. A healthy lifestyle is where we navigate our own boat through the river of life with God as our Captain, allowing others to pull alongside us with encouragement, and empathetically supporting others ourselves.

When feelings are shut off or dismissed, we miss out on valuable information God uses to reveal personhood. We’re not created as “one size fits all” people. Just as God created multiple varieties of birds, animals, and plants, He created each of us as unique and special. Wanting to feel special is one of the core longings God instilled in our soul. When this message isn’t communicated from our parents, we shut down our feelings and often go into victim-mode. Owning our feelings allows God to show us how we respond to the world in our own, unique way. Knowing what shuts me down emotionally allows me to protect myself in a healthy way from harmful people and situations.

Clients ask me how to clearly hear from God, wanting to know how to discern God’s plan for their life. There’s no way to establish walkie talkie communication with God without being an excellent student of our emotions. Feelings allow God to communicate through the Holy Spirit to our soul. I spend a lot of time with God discussing how I experience people. Every time I talk with a new client, I’m trying to open myself up to how I feel in their presence, what they say, what they talk about, and what God shows me about their heart attitude. I ask the Holy Spirit to sort through all my thoughts and feelings and give me insight into the client’s character and discernment about whether we will be a good fit for each other. I get a red light/green light sense in my gut that I’ve learned is God speaking to me.

Learning to correctly interpret our emotions is a trial and error process. Most of us are much more comfortable living in fear, relying on black and white facts to make sure we are “right.” Giving up the illusion of certainty is brutal. It feels like God is asking us to jump off a cliff without knowing how far we will fall.

Trust in the transformation process gives you courage. Most of us desperately cling to certainty for safety, but living free is about risk. I began stepping out in small ways to find out if I could trust my gut. When I got a red light feeling about a person, I asked more questions and watched their life for a while. It really did became clear what God was communicating to me. I became bolder, asking people if they had certain thoughts or felt a particular way, and usually they agreed with my discernment. When I missed the mark, I learned it wasn’t a fatal, catastrophic failure but a learning experience.

Emotions also give us energy to overcome fear. In some households, anger was used to overpower, intimidate, and harm. But emotions can be used positively to push through fear barriers. I’ve read amazing accounts where adrenaline provided people the physical strength and courage to act in a crisis. King David was the only one able to harness his outrage and use it to step out on the battlefield and challenge Goliath.

When I need to have a difficult conversation, I first squeeze out all the worry and fear. Venting all my knee-jerk self-protective defenses allows me to anchor to what God has shown me is true. John 8:32 says that God’s truth will set us free. I now know what freedom feels like, so I can use that knowledge to give me the needed boost to enter into that scary conversation with courage and confidence.

Excerpt From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living

Graphic used by permission from Creative Commons (Office.com)

Relationship Models

John 13:34 gives us the commandment to love one another -- yet this is impossible to do in our own strength. Since we disconnected from the source of love when Adam & Eve left the Garden, humankind has been scrambling to figure out how to love well based on our own understanding. This is where viewpoint is important, because the answer is found in the principles of relationship, not created through a series of behaviors or found in a roller coaster of feelings. Most folks don’t realize they are living out the same unhealthy model in all their relationships, which explains why things don’t work out over and over again. In my office, I draw three different models of relationships and ask clients which one they saw growing up and which one they currently living out. I categorize relationship models into three main areas: Narcissistic, Negotiation, and Relational.

Narcissistic Model

One person lives within the comfort zone of the other

Narcissistic relationships center on the comfort zone of one person.  The Narcissistic relationship looks like the old All In The Family sitcom. Archie Bunker sat in his chair in the living room and made himself the center of the household. He lived completely in his comfort zone, demanding everyone come to him. His wife, Edith, catered to his wishes and when she hesitantly asked Archie to meet one of her needs, he became a bully, intimidating her to the point where she apologized for bringing it up. The dominant person learns what words and actions will get them what they want. Sometimes that’s getting someone to back off and stop asking them for something. Other times, the dominate person wants something and figures out how to badger, intimidate or manipulate others to get it. The dominant person can manifest as 1) a mean bully, 2) someone who chooses isolation, or 3) a victim/emotional black hole. For every narcissist, you will often find a “loving” co-dependent partner, one who doesn’t know the difference between being loved as a person and used as a resource. The only role for the co-dependent in this model is to give up their own personhood and live completely within the dominant person’s circle. I define personhood as permission to own one’s thoughts, emotions, opinions, and actions. When personhood is denied or locked away, we live a submissive, robotic existence. Our personhood encapsulates the most interesting and unique qualities God created in us. 

Negotiation Model

Individuals interact with each other but always stay separate entities

The Negotiation relationship model focuses on business-type transactional exchanges to meet needs.  Bargaining is the currency of this relationship in “do this for me and I’ll let you do that for you” type interactions. It’s a step up from the Narcissistic model because the two people are able to move out of their comfort zones towards the other. However, the level of willingness to sacrifice is usually measured by what someone gets. People often settle for this model when the person they care about cannot or chooses not to work towards living out the Relational model. The cost of this strategy is learning how to push down the longing for more. 

Relational Model

Each person pursues the other in the areas where their lives do not directly overlap

The Relational approach is based on interdependence on God and each other and has a “one another” focus. We move toward each other, enjoying the direct overlap of our lives, and proactively pursuing each other in the indirect areas. When our partner can’t directly experience an area of life with us or meet a need, they can move towards us by listening, encouraging, inspiring, and comforting. Allowing God to heal our own baggage and mature us individually has a direct impact on our relationships and our capability to support the other person’s growth. “One anotherness” is about heart attitude; each person intentionally turning their heart toward the other.  My son Ben has had a fascination with sports cards and memorabilia since he was little. I’d buy him a pack of cards and we would look at the players together, talking about who we each liked and for what reason. My criteria involved a big smile or pretty blue eyes while Ben appreciated all the stats and records. I didn’t have a clue as to why one brand of cards had a higher monetary value than another or why one particular player’s card was a rare find. What I did know was that Ben loved sharing his knowledge and passion for cards with me. Moving toward him in this area allowed the light of his joy and excitement to brighten my day.

We are meant to live life in the presence of one another. That can look many ways, but it’s determined by the intent of our heart to be known intimately. As a human being, Jesus surrounded himself with people who lived with him every day. He could have done it differently, kept himself separate and apart from people until it was time for his sacrifice on the cross. But he didn’t. Instead, Jesus chose to walk alongside humankind, giving everyone the opportunity to interact and experience him personally. When we can feel out someone’s heart and character, it allows us to forge a relational bond. I believe everyone who had an encounter with Jesus came away knowing he saw straight through to their heart.

Excerpt From the Other Side of the Couch: A Biblical Counselor's Guide to Relational Living by Judy Lair, LPCC