How often do you beat
yourself up? Tell yourself that you must be dumb, stupid, an idiot, etc.? How
worried are you that someone else thinks all those same negative things about
you and your actions? Join the club!
I moved into a new apartment
complex a few months ago. My relationship with the management staff was tested
from the very first day. Every question I’ve asked and every maintenance
request I’ve made has resulted in me feeling ignorant and stupid.
After moving and unpacking
all day, what I wanted most was a shower and my bed. I finally unearthed my
shower curtain and as I was hanging it, the entire rod pulled off the wall!
Maintenance request #1. The next morning I spent time setting up my bedroom,
moving lamps around to get the best lighting. There are three light switches
next to the door. Scout’s honor, I tried every combination of every light switch/wall
outlet and could not find a way to turn on a lamp via a light switch. I emailed
staff who told me to try again and if I couldn’t figure it out, they would send
maintenance once again. When I got home that evening, maintenance had left step
by step instructions explaining exactly what to do. I felt like a
kindergartner. Uggg! How stupid am I for not figuring it out myself!
Trash in this complex is
taken to a compactor where I need to put in a specific code to open the door. I
tried several times and the door would never open. I emailed the office and
received a very condescending reply, telling me to call next time I was at the
compactor and someone would come and show me how to do it properly. Grrrrrr! So
fine, the next time I took out the trash I called the woman to come “help me.”
She smugly showed me how to enter the code, pulled on the door, and it opened
easily. Undeterred, I asked if I could
try. She closed the door and I repeated the steps – but the door would not
budge. She pulled on it and it wouldn’t open for her either. Saying the last person
must have messed it up, she showed me how to give the door a body slam to fix
it. Although I felt justified, her attitude left no doubt she thought I was lame.
The most recent debacle
happened a few days ago when I emailed the office about seeing some small,
black bugs on the wall and ceiling. I thought they were coming in because it’s
starting to get cold outside. Management sent a pest control inspector who
immediately identified them as flour beetles and began searching my kitchen
cabinets. Now I’m exactly 5’ tall and even when I stand on a step stool, I’m
not eye level with the second cabinet shelf and can barely reach the third
shelf on my tip toes. The inspector opened a bag of flour I had on the top
shelf. Gross! It was full of those beetles! I was immediately overwhelmed with
embarrassment and shame. How stupid can I be??? He’s going to send a report to
management and they will now be convinced I am the biggest idiot in the
apartment complex!
When I feel dumb, my
immediate coping mechanism is to call myself names, apparently believing this
will remind me to be smarter next time. But we all know that doesn’t work! What
I need to do is move from isolating self-condemnation to feeling cared for and
loved. This takes place when we recognize it’s not a matter of being smart/stupid
or right/wrong. It’s about feeling unsafe
and unprotected.
King David is the best
example of this principle. If anyone had reason to beat themselves up all the
live long day, it was David. But I never get that vibe when I read his journal.
Psalms is full of David confessing his foolishness without the name calling.
Instead, he acknowledges his stuff and thanks God for protecting and caring for
him even in the midst of it.
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my
cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I
live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I
was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord; “O
Lord, save me!” The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of
compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he
saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
Psalm 116:1-6
I grew up feeling
emotionally unprotected and unsafe. I can remember events ranging from elementary
school to this week where I’ve felt stupid and trace it back to feeling
unprotected. My coping mechanism was to become mature, dependable, and
responsible as quickly as possible – hoping that by acting like an adult, I'd finally feel safe. But here I am at age 54, still triggered by condescending
property agents who terrify me because I feel unprotected when I don't know something.
David acknowledged his
immaturities and weaknesses without shame because he knew he was supposed to be imperfect. The job of a child is to experience life, letting their parents
decide what is and isn’t safe. When I took my son Ben to the playground, I
expected he would try to climb too high on the monkey bars or want to swing
high enough to touch the clouds. It wasn’t his job to understand physics and determine
safe/unsafe play, it was mine as his parent. Same thing when he went to his
first school dance. He knew I’d share a couple suggestions that could help him
avoid embarrassment, whether he wanted them or not:) I love watching Ben’s approach to the world; secure
and confident.
I’ve learned that each time I
start down the “I’m stupid” path, I reinforce my helplessness. Instead, I can
choose to run to my heavenly father, tell him I feel scared and unsafe and ask for his protection over my heart. Calling on the name of the Lord allows me to grieve what I did not receive in the past and
anchor to his trustworthiness in the present.
I've been processing this event all weekend so when I open up the, “You’re
stupid” letter from the office this week, I'll be able to deal with it functionally and
move on rather than taking an emotional hit to my personhood. What do you do/believe when you feel stupid
and helpless?
Photo located at flickr.com
