Recently one of my clients took the risk to lovingly confront me
about a situation where I incorrectly took credit for an idea she had
generated. She'd been hurt in this same way by others in her past. I was so
proud she stepped out in faith to say something to me. She was absolutely
correct and I truthfully admitted it. It wasn't done intentionally, but in my
hurry to get something done I didn't review it to see I described the situation
inaccurately. The client was gracious in accepting my apology and I'm very
grateful she offered me understanding and grace.
Seeing and acknowledging mistakes used to fill me with a great
deal of fear, sending me into a self-condemnation cycle. I'd berate myself not
only for the present error, but for all the dumb stuff I'd ever done throughout
my life. My inner Guardian became a military sergeant, telling me to shape up,
scrutinizing and analyzing every detail of life for the next week as
punishment.
I came to realize that I used this destructive cycle to keep me
from feeling sad and disappointed in seeing my imperfections. It's scary and
frustrating to see immaturities. Instead of bringing God into those
feelings, I just wanted to quickly fix it all myself. Many times I came up with
a good plan to make sure I never made that same error again. But in doing so I
completely missed the bigger lesson God wanted me to learn--that character is
not determined by making mistakes. It's shown in how we bravely risk to be
vulnerable with God and others when those weaknesses are brought to our
attention.
My initial concern was to take responsibility for my failure and
make sure the client felt safe to continue the discussion. Driving home, I
allowed all the other complicated feelings to surround me. I felt grateful she
felt safe to bring the subject up, sad I'd hurt her leading her to question my
trustworthiness, embarrassed because she was correct, and frustrated I could've made
a different choice and didn't. My inner Guardian worried this lapse
in judgment meant something negative about my character. It felt like she was
shaking her finger and scolding me, saying something about me getting too big
for my britches these days!
It was really uncomfortable meditating on my actions that evening,
but I wanted healing more than I needed to side step hard emotions. I've
learned how to sit in these difficult feelings and condemning thoughts without
needing to defend myself or employ an avoidance strategy. It's not easy and
still takes intentionality to implement. But that's where I find God--in the
midst of doubts about myself. He reminds me what's true. My responsibility is
just to sit still and be sorrowful in the arms of He who loves me dearly.
Graphic from Office.com clip art
No comments:
Post a Comment